General Buzz, Miscellany, Uncategorized

Ta-Back! (Sortof)

Yeah, I know the French Open’s going on. Serena’s preggers, Kerber lost again, Petra Kvitova’s back, Muguruza won her opener, Bouchard called Sharapova a “cheater” and the French tennis federation decided not to give Maria any free passes into Roland Garros. Yawn.

More interestingly:

Even if it was just a one-off or exhibition appearance, it was awesome seeing this glimpse of Heidi El Tabakh back on court again at the 2017 Powershares Tennis Series event earlier this year in her adopted hometown of Toronto, Canada! Looking fab, as always. 😍

No words to describe how much I miss her, but the latest rumors suggest that El Tabakh has moved or is about to make the move into coaching. Stay tuned.

General Buzz, Miscellany, Uncategorized

The Anxious Ones

I wonder sometimes-truly wonder-whether people who people who aren’t afflicted and forced to live under the cloud of anxiety and its associated forces of self destruction understand how dysfunctional it can be to try to manage life with crippling shyness, anxiety and low self esteem.

You are so fortunate. You, the beautiful. The normal. We look in the mirror and don’t see what you do. A monster looks back. Maybe you see us that way too. We think that you do. No matter what we may accomplish, no matter how many lives we may positively impact, we continually see ourselves as never being good enough. For anything. For anyone. For you.

The simplest, most routine conventions of life for most become unbearable for some of us. Saying ‘hi’ to someone. Looking them in the eyes. Talking to a girl. Telling her she’s pretty.

It’s easier in writing, but then, when you do try, all you can think is how offended that person must be that a person of your standing, a person like you, an ugly, worthless person like you, dared approach them, or write to them, or compliment them. And then all you can think about is hiding under a rock.

This social media stuff is horrible. I hate it, really. On the one hand I feel like I can try to make friends without the real life “me” fucking things up, but the reality is, I feel like I’m cheating every time I like someone’s photo that isn’t the girl I really like. Then I can’t even “like” her photos or friend her because of how little I think of myself. Her other followers and friends look so much better than me. Does that even make sense?

But I think to myself, ‘why would she notice me amongst all of these amazing people that follow her?’

I wish it were different.

I wish I were different. Better.

General Buzz, Miscellany, Uncategorized

I Can’t Make You Love Me

I wish I could tell her how hard how hard this has been, falling for her, falling in love with her, learning about her from as close as I dared, encumbered by a crippling shyness and the intimidating public perception of her. Caring about her, thinking about her every day, six years, against hope that someday fate might afford me the chance to tell her face to face what I should have said the first minute I saw her.

Realizing that even if she knew these things she’ll never feel the same way.

That she can never feel the same way.

That’s how long it’s been. Six years. A little more, actually. May 4, 2011. My heart has been hers ever since. I bet at times it wouldn’t seem like it to her. Guys do some fantastically stupid s%$# in the name of pride, ego, insecurity, and whatever else, and well, I wonder what she’d think if she knew I’d shot video of one of her tennis matches through a fence? A fence!? That wasn’t easy. Not when you always shoot with autofocus. That’s how I’ve spent my vacations, through the years, trying to give her some memories from her past – her friends, her past opponents – that she might want to see again sometime. Never mind the reality that the chance of her actually watching them , let alone liking them, is probably less than zero. But I hoped. And I dreamed. These are the foolish acts of a hopeless dreamer.

But then I saw it. That I was hitting my head against the wall, metaphorically.

It finally dawned on me. Hit me like a ton of bricks, even as the clues were surely there, obvious to anyone with open eyes. If she bothers with her social media she must think I am a fool, or an idiot. Or probably much worse. Much worse.

For the fact is, she is royalty, up there, on her plane, and I’m down here, on mine, and that can never change, and I can never be what she can love. She is is tennis player, tennis coach, model, celebrity, VIP, socialite, jetsetter, and professional fun-seeker. She hangs with athletes and models and actors and musicians and high octane professionals. Maybe she was just meant to love something else.

I wish so much that it were possible that she could feel the same feelings, but I know it’s not. That’s my dream, not hers.

So, dreamgirl, I’m not sorry I fell in love with you, but I sincerely apologize to you if my doing so hurt or embarass you in any way. I imagine you must want to hurl at the thought of someone like me liking you. I don’t even like me either. I really didn’t mean to offend you or your friends.

I hope you find happiness in your life. I hope you meet the someone who will make your eyes bright and your heart come alive with the rhythm of Springtime in Paris.

Take comfort, fair angel, that you will haunt my dreams the rest of my days. I mean it. I know now there won’t be anyone. There can’t. I’ve never felt this way before and never will again. You were The Girl.

General Buzz, Miscellany, Uncategorized

Welcome Back, Allie!

Just saw that Ft. Lauderdale, Florida’s Allie Kiick is on the entry list for the second of two consecutive ITF clay court tournaments to be held in Naples, Florida, the week of May 15-21, 2017. Kiick, who has had multiple surgeries on both knees, has been out of action for almost two years.

Great to see her making this long-awaited return. The journey back won’t be easy, but Kiick is a hard worker, and a gamer, who has been through and dealt with far more than most her age, so I have a feeling she’ll be prepared.

Pulling for you, Allie!