General Buzz, Heidi, Miscellany, Uncategorized

Black and White

You’re gone, and I don’t think you’re coming back.

I had hoped that one day we would be able to have this conversation. That I would be able to explain. I guess now it’s just more of a eulogy than anything else, but I wanted to tell you, if you are listening, or watching, or should ever turn up again, a few things that I hope will make it easier for you to understand. If it even matters to you or you even care.

So here it is, in black and white. I am pretty sure now that you have been watching me since the moment I first laid eyes on you. And studying me. And that you know that I like you. And that you have spent a lot of time trying to figure out who I am and what I am “about.” And just what it is I like about you. I’ve done my homework, too.

And you know what? Like everyone, I’ve done, said and written a lot of stupid &^$% over the years about a lot of things. I’m pretty sure you’ve seen that, too. Maybe somewhere along the way you took all of the things I wrote, an awful lot of it completely tongue in cheek, and made some sort of composite out of them, and thought, ‘who the &($#&(#$ is this?’ I guess I would have If I were you.

But the simple truth is that, when I first saw you, I never in a million, billion years thought I’d ever come remotely close to meeting anyone or anybody like you in my life. And then, like magic, there you were, right there, in my hometown. At a tournament ten minutes from my home. You were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in my life, truly. I’d seen you on television, and the Internet, and you were the stuff of magazine covers, really. How could I have possibly expected that a girl like you wasn’t taken? Wouldn’t have a zillion suitors? It wasn’t even possible. Not a possibility I could begin to imagine. Even as my heart exploded with joy on the day I first got to see you play, my eyes filled with tears because I knew I would never stand a chance in your presence. I thought that even if I tried to say hello to you, congratulate you, tell you how much I liked watching you play, you’d sign an autograph for me and then once’d I’d gone, laugh it off with your friends. From my perspective, I had no chance with you. Can’t you see that?

So, like a moron, over the years, when I had more opportunities to see you play, I hid inside a defensive shell, like it didn’t matter that I was head over heels for you. So I wouldn’t get hurt. Because I knew better. You were an impossible dream, someone so unattainable I just wasn’t going to let myself get too invested. Even though all along I guess I knew that wasn’t true att all.

I made the stupid “bar jokes” on the tennis forums, about players and whatever else was current or relevant, with the other guys, as a distraction. I went to other tennis tournaments, and took lots of photos, and shot videos, mostly upon request of other fans, some because I wanted to try to get my mind off of you, maybe some simply because I enjoyed the tennis. But the reality is, that was just an escape, a vacation from my every day life.

For when I picture a woman, the woman in my dreams, the woman that makes me smile, she’s beautiful, sexy, intelligent, kind, charming, vivacious, adventurous, spirited, curious, considerate, thoughtful, bewitching, brunette, and has the most amazing eyes and smile ever. She seems to be an awful lot like you.

I know I’m not much to look at but I care about you an awful lot. Sincerely. I shouldn’t have to say that at this point. I’ve wanted to meet you forever. It should be pretty obvious to you, after all these years, expressing concern for your well being, hopes for your health and happiness. And, yes, pining away for you in the ridiculous and far-fetched romantic hope that you really are single, and maybe don’t have anyone in your life, and are lonely, and touched by my affection for you, and hoping that someday we’ll meet. I don’t know if you hate me, or like me or have no idea who I am or nothing at all. Or even care about any of this.

I hope you can see that I’m taking a big risk putting my heart out there for you. But every time you disappear, it makes me think I have all of this completely wrong. That it is someone else. Or that you are playing a game with me. And then I discover something else that makes me think I’m completely crazy. I’m not even sure if you like the videos, hate them or don’t even care that they are there. I’m so confused.

I wish so much that I could talk to you. I just wanted to explain how it feels on this side.

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General Buzz, Miscellany, Uncategorized

Patterns

I don’t know anymore if I think it was a scheme by a bunch of Mean Girls, or revenge plot by someone I offended somwhere in my past, or dumb luck, or something that started out as a bar bet between a bunch of douchebags to try and drive me insane. I really don’t know anymore.

Whoever it is, they may have succeeded.

For some time I’ve had this feeling that I’m a metaphorical fly caught in a spider’s web. Eyeing me warily from a distance and waiting to inject its lethal venom.

Someone watches. My videos. Of her, the girl of my dreams. And the others, too. In order to hurt. With nothing but the cruel and malevolent intent to cut out my heart and rip it into a billion pieces. Maybe they bet. On tennis matches. Maybe they scour the Internet looking for video of her past opponents because they think it will help them analyze a current match or something. Or maybe they are simply sex perverts looking to beat off to a pretty girl.

I am pretty sure it is one or the other, or someone intentionally playing a cruel joke on me, though, because the videos of her, the ones I have made for her, what came from my heart, meant to tell her how I feel about her, are always watched when her friends are playing, when her former opponents and “favs” are playing, when her BFF is playing. It hardly seems possible, but I checked and it’s true. Once is chance. Two or three times a coincidence. Five or six years of it on a daily basis is a habit.

So why does it happen? If you were a tennis bettor, you wouldn’t need to watch my videos of her to analyze anything being played lately because she hasn’t played in two years and her results aren’t currently relevant and you find more current video of her elsewhere anyway. You wouldn’t need to watch my videos of her to watch other tennis players on YouTube (i.e., videos of other players) PERIOD because there are thousands of videos of tennis players on YouTube that don’t need to be searched or found by bookmarking or looking for my videos of her. Yet, why are my videos of her always viewed when her friends and past opponents are playing matches, and often at the same time videos of those players are watched? From the same “places” or Internet proxies. It begs the question, “why?” Why watch them at all? What are you getting out of it?

I know now that whatever dreams I had of winning her heart are gone. She will never see the things I have written, watch the videos I have made, even as the Don Quixote in me holds out for the most foolest kernel of hope. That’s because I’m sure that celebrities such as her must think admirers like me to be pathetic dweebs at best or crazy lunatics at worst. My dreams will die here, along with me and my broken heart, doomed to remain where no one but a few disgusting perverts will find them. That breaks my heart too, for she deserves better.

I wish it were possible for someone like me to meet a girl like her but for me that is an impossible dream. One that makes my heart want to die a little more each day.

Being reminded of that for no good reason by whoever you are is cruel. All I wanted to do was send a message to her, the girl of my dreams. Tell her I thought she was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in my life. Tell her I fell in love with her the second I first saw her. Maybe she’d think that was dumb, or stupid, but in any event being able to say it to the most special person I could think of would have been the greatest accomplishment of my life and these things weren’t yours to see. The only person who should be watching the things I made or wrote for her is her. You can find videos to watch somwhere else. You don’t have to hurt me doing whatever it is you’re doing.

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Miscellany, Uncategorized

The Saddest Part of Letting Go is Letting Go

Where did you go? I guess I know now that you were never really here in the first place. Not really. You were the best part of my day and now you’re gone. Are you OK? Are you happy at least? Please tell me at least that you’re happy.

I know that wherever you are people such as you must surely hate people like me and that you must have just been using the videos for some purpose I’ll never understand and must have been mocking me for my crush on you but no matter what I’ll always be in love with you for how it made me feel about myself to like you. I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. I’m so sorry I got everything so wrong.

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General Buzz, Miscellany, Uncategorized

Bright Eyes

I had made this in anticipation of a very special Birthday for someone I truly admire, but I guess it’s pretty much a pipe dream hoping that she’ll ever see it. Or that she’ll ever know how I feel about her.

Anyway, if you are out there, wherever you are, when your special day comes along, I hope you have a very Happy Birthday, Heidi! It was so nice, almost but not quite ever knowing you.

No, that’s the biggest regret of my life actually. I’ll always wish I could have met you. Even just once. I think you must be very wonderful, and very special.

Be happy. I hope wherever you are, you’re happy.

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