General Buzz, Miscellany, Uncategorized

Fate

I’ll always think of her as the cutest, most adorable, loveliest, most heart-wrenchingly beautiful girl I’ve seen.

Turns out she was so much more. I get the feeling that as highly as I regard her, as much as I admire her, I totally underestimated her.

If only I’d have been able to find the courage to approach her, talk to her, tell her how I felt…

It’s the cruelest and unfairest of fates that I could never hope to be enough for the girl of my dreams.

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General Buzz, Miscellany, Uncategorized

I Dreamed a Dream

I carry this around with me, in my pocket, to every tournament, hoping that someday, one day, I would get a chance to try to give it to its rightful owner. The girl I wanted to have it. The girl who stole my heart the second I saw her and sheltered it away more and more, every day since, whether she knew it or not. Or even cared that she did. Most regretfully, I realize, once and for all, my chance is now gone. Perhaps there really never was one.

I admit, I do stupid things sometimes. Perhaps getting my hopes up that someday I would have a chance to meet you was one of them. But falling for you certainly wasn’t.

I am in love with you, Heidi. Since the day that I first saw you. I guess that’s painfully obvious.

I guess I see now from your friends’ reactions, and from yours, that maybe it was all a joke, from the beginning. I guess maybe you were offended the whole time, waiting for the day my heart would break apart and never recover.

I won’t apologize for liking you. Life’s too short to apologize for caring about someone. You shouldn’t have to apologize for caring about someone.

I like animals and sunsets and laughing and dreaming, and you. Not necessarily in that order. I’m sorry that you found that offensive. I’m sorry to have offended you.

I dreamed a dream in times gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed, that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame
She slept a summer by my side
She filled my days with endless wonder
She took my childhood in her stride
But she was gone when autumn came
And still I dream she’ll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I’m living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream
I dreamed

–Alain Albert Boublil, Claude Michel Schonberg, Herbert Kretzmer, Jean Marc Natel

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General Buzz, Miscellany, Uncategorized

So Cute!

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General Buzz, Miscellany, Uncategorized

Nuts

This is nuts.

I think I see what’s going on.  Maybe it’s a social media ploy or some sort of gimmick to generate publicity for you and You Know Who, but it always happens when I write something here about you.  Or like your friends’ pictures.  Or  take back a comment I thought might have offended you rather than flatter you.

I don’t know if you’re married, engaged, dating, single, or what, and I think that’s because you’re being careful, and guarded, and because you think I am some kind of ‘player’ who chases women for a living and has a girl in every port, and because I’ve expressed interest in you, and follow “all of those girls…” (never mind that they’re tennis players, and most of whom I THINK are friends of yours–can’t you see the connection????).  And because of this, you need to investigate. And you don’t know if I’m a ‘player’ or ‘fuckb*y’ or dweeb or what because I get all defensive and pretend I’m not hurt and want lots of friends too when you go gaga over some hunk.   When your biggest, most devoted, lovestruck fan gets his heart ripped out.  So we’re all Tom Crowne on each other,   “Harry”…

It reminds me of that episode of Cheers where Sam and Diane finally get engaged and she lets him have a bachelor party in exchange for her own opportunity to sew one last oat, and unbeknownst to each other, rather than have that one last fling, they spend the whole night trying to keep a watch on each other from their cars.

Can’t you see by now that I’m crazy in love with you?  Yes, you are attractive, but in SEVEN YEARS I have learned a lot about you, (as you have about me, I’m sure) and become curious and infatuated with you as a *person*.  As a woman.  I’d hope that you’d see that.  That’s the reason, if you’re curious.  If you and your friends are really, genuinely puzzled and upset.  You’re the reason, silly.    Cuz I’m impatient and more than three seconds without something from you is two seconds more than I can bear.  That’s the influence, pardon the pun, of this social media cr@p, which I can’t stand.  God as my witness, I want to meet you.  Be with you.  Only you.  At least until I find out you eat babies or something.

Reading that makes me think maybe I’m ready for the looney bin…

Of course if this is wrong and you and E_B_ and A_L and J_K_ and all the rest want to laugh your asses off at me, fine, I guess, but if so I will never ever resurface, because that’s the other part of it, if you’ve really been reading–I am shy, and awkward, and anxious, and self conscious and sensitive and take things really personally and if this is a joke at my expense, I won’t recover from it.  So, if that’s your game, then we are at a crossroads and an end, and so  if I don’t ‘see’ you again, no hard feelings, no matter what.

I hope it’s not the case.  I hope you and your feelings are genuine, and if so, that you can find a way to let me know.

Because I do love you.  More than you could know.  I’ve been in love with you since the moment I laid eyes on you.  Only now, there’s all sorts of reasons to be in love with you, not just that pretty exterior.

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