General Buzz, Heidi, Miscellany, Uncategorized

I’m Sorry But I Fell in Love With You

Somewhere between Lake Wales and Vero Beach, Florida, yesterday, sitting in my car, pulled off to the side of highway 60, in a cow pasture, lost on the way home from Miami, I took out my phone and with tears streaming down my face I confessed to myself and to someone-maybe it was her, maybe someone else (I’m not sure because everyone wears so many hats these days on social media)-by posting a message on Instagram, what I finally realized I was never going to be able to say to Heidi El Tabakh.

“I love you, Heidi.”

That I have been in love with her since the minute I first saw her.

Because dunce that I am I finally realized I have no choice but to accept the inescapable reality that I am never going to have a chance to see her again, and to finally summon the courage to say hello to her and meet her, after a multitude of failed opportunities and because she is and probably always has been in love with someone. Someone else.

Despite having an uneasy Spidey sense about it for months, and promising myself that I wouldn’t, despite knowing better, I went again to the Miami Open to see for myself. Because like any good barrister I am real curious. And I was somehow hoping I’d gotten it wrong. That maybe there really wasn’t anyone else. But I am pretty sure there was. I did see her, briefly, when she suddenly came in and sat down in the stands at one match I was watching. The last one, it turned out. She looked too pretty not to be meeting someone. Her dark eyes were beautiful.

I looked away, heartbroken. And I knew she had to be there for whoever it was she had her heart set on. And I didn’t want to see it, and I started to tremble and I wanted to run as far and fast as possible. And disappear. And then the changeover came and I stumbled and left and ran. And I couldn’t sleep at my hotel that night because I couldn’t stop thinking of her, and the next day I was such a wreck that I got lost driving home. I got on the Turnpike by mistake and missed a bunch of exits and that’s how I ended up in that cow pasture half way between Lake Wales and Vero Beach. I’d seen her play four years ago in Vero.

And in that desolate spot, crying, my clothes soaked with tears, the last tendrils of my dreams of meeting with her, talking with her, listening to her, sharing with her, being there for her, supporting and watching her achieve her dreams, laughing with her, gazing into her eyes, getting her to smile and melting with her, all ebbing away by the second, I wanted to tell her how I felt about her. At least one time. So that she might really see it. Before it was too late to regret never telling her. Not that it would matter to her.

And so I did. Tell her. Tell someone. Probably not her. But someone. Someone who had liked my picture of her. And me. And whose Instagram name seems suspiciously familiar. And who likes tennis. And a photographer friend in Montreal. So maybe I did tell her. I hope I did. Before she gets married, if she is engaged. Just so she knows. Just so she knows how much she means to me and how much I love her.

And then after I sent my message, I died. My dreams.

Wise men say only fools rush in

But I can’t help falling in love with you

Shall I stay?

Would it be a sin

If I can’t help falling in love with you?

Like a river flows surely to the sea

Darling so it goes

Some things are meant to be

Take my hand, take my whole life too

For I can’t help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea

Darling so it goes

Some things are meant to be

Take my hand, take my whole life too

For I can’t help falling in love with you

For I can’t help falling in love with you

– Can’t Help Falling in Love with You

Elvis Presley

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