General Buzz, Miscellany, Uncategorized

A Year

One of the dumbest of clichés, but I’ll say it anyway. What a difference a year makes.

One year ago, tonight, more or less, I was making an unbelieveably crazy, romantic, and undoutedly foolhardy once in a lifetime odyssey. The kind you don’t think about about–you just do. The kind of odyssey your friends call ‘stupid’ and ‘moronic’.

Because they don’t understand. They don’t get it. They never had a dream girl.

Well, I never met her. Not then. Not with any of the many chances I had through the years either. She was a star that just burned too bright to touch. And then it was too late.

And, now, one year later, I’m pretty sure she has a significant other. A husband, or fiance, or steady boyfriend. I think the pessimist in me, or maybe it’s the realist, is starting to uderstand that she did all along. For years. And that I misread everything as much as it were possible if I was looking at a negative instead of a photo. Or if not, that’s the impression she wants to give to people like me. People who are too helpless to do anything but fall in love with her.

And so I sit in my lonely hotel room in Miami again, having come to the Miami Open to make what will undoubtedly be a disastrously failed attempt to forget her and move on with my life. Find someone new.

And it was horrible. And she was there. At the end. As I was leaving. And I couldn’t even look at her. Because I knew. I think she was there to see him. And his family. And I didn’t want to hear it. Because it would be worse than dying. And it was anyway. It was worse than dying.

And I don’t want anyone new in my head. In my dreams. I don’t want anyone else in there.

I want to go back. I want to run after her stupidly again. Because even though I believe in my heart now that she is married, and that all I was to her was a indiscriminate click on her photos, someone she never knew or cared about, I won’t ever be able to forget her. In a very private place I keep deep inside my heart, she was and will always be The Girl. Even if she’s someone else’s. And that is the saddest thing I can think of, because that’s the crushing reality of life.

Always.

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