If I’m wrong, and as you can plainly see by now, I have been and can be wrong about as often as the wind blows in Chicago, I can admit to it. And I would be the first to apologize humbly and tell you how sorry I was. I’m not petty and small and hurtful by nature like that.
But if I’m wrong, why do you hide behind a veil of secrecy and make it so difficult, so complicated, so frustrating to figure out and understand? I am straight up, not a gameplayer. I’ve admitted that I do the stupid sh%t I do because I like you. Because I want to meet you and get to know you and find out everything there is to know about you. That’s my nature. Chalk it up to my job, I guess. I’m just trying to learn about you. Draw you out if I can. And I’m trying to protect my heart and not get hurt at the same time.
I enjoy a challenge, this one is exceptionally tough. Either you aren’t what you appear to be, or you carefully and cautiously hide behind some intricate and deliberately misleading veneer. And I honestly have no idea which is the truth. But enough. If you are taken, or ‘unavailable’, or merely teasing because you dislike something I wrote or made or did, or have nothing better to do, just say so, and we can go opposite directions and never have to cross paths again.
‘Beautiful.’ ‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You.’ You vs. J__. I guess they aren’t as flattering as I saw them and hoped you’d find them, now that I see how often they are watched, and looked at them, and googled, and see how obsessed you must think me. But that wasn’t my intention. And if you read my story about you, the one here, all of it, start to finish, you’d know that. You’d understand how much respect I have for you and how I came to feel the way I feel, why I felt I could never say ‘hello’ despite all of those chances. Believe me, how I wanted to.
And then I would look at your pictures, and see the rings on your fingers. And your friends, and the glamorous lifestyle. And I lost hope. I knew then, I suppose, that people like me just don’t belong with people like you.
I was so excited the day you accepted my friend request on Facebook. It was the same day, I think, that you changed your tag line on Insta, I was dumb enough to think maybe there was a hidden meaning in it (‘I got an email to-day…’) And then I thought I was blocked, that I had offended you with a video or a comment on a photo, and despondent, I went away, not for the first time. Because my mind moves at warp speed and I don’t understand the analytics behind Insta or Twitter or whatever and I don’t understand the significance of a ‘like’ on a post other than every time you see the person you care about ‘like’ someone’s post it hurts like hell and leads to sleepless night after sleepless night because it allows for every possible connotation.
Shit, it’s horrible to see myself type that and then read it. It’s raw, it’s emotional, it’s honest. I’m saying it because I have, from day one, written/told or found other ways to communicate to you exactly how I felt about you. I have never given you a ‘line’ or tried to sugarcoat anything or sweettalk it to put a ‘move’ on you, someone I don’t even know. How would that work anyway? Everything I’ve written or said, I meant. It was exactly how I was feeling when I said it or wrote it, and by reaching out to you now, even though I’ve pulled away, for now, to gather my thoughts, I still adore you beyond words, every bit as much as the day we figuratively first ‘met.’
Look, I certainly don’t want to interfere in someone’s life or relationship(s), nor do I want to go down in history as some sort of lunatic or laughingstock or inside joke behind my back. And that’s just the way it feels. If you were upset about something, you could ignore it, stay away, or have the content removed. I would do it in a heartbeat if I knew that caused you embarassment, hurt or pain. I don’t want to offend you. Yet time and again, each day, there are the’views.’ Sometimes there are ‘likes’. Always when your friends play, so it’s hard to believe it isn’t you. Let alone from some of the ‘geographies.’ Is that with a VPN or do you have that much wanderlust?
At any rate, sometimes, the coincidence of the timing of a view being from a certain place is just about what I imagine it must be like getting hit in the face with a frying pan. It’s an “Oh!” moment of clarity that gives me some hope, briefly, before I start overthinking it. Sometimes it feels like we’re married. And I confess, you have no idea how that makes me smile.
Or is it ypur friends watching, and you simply don’t care at all? Was I right, and it’s all a game of mocking or teasing some poor loser who has a silly crush on you?
Or maybe, you or your friends or s/o or ‘people’ are just watching to keep tabs because you are alarmed. That thought hurts. Or perhaps you are taken. That hadn’t really occurred to me. I thought that, as much as you and your friends seemed to lament the ‘single life’ on social media, maybe you were unattached, but maybe I got it wrong. But maybe it was them lamenting and you sympathizing. Maybe you are happily ever after with the someone of your dreams, like I hoped you would be in mine.
If any of these things is the case, just find some way to let me know, and I’ll get rid of everything, cry my eyes out, watch a ton of ’80’s romantic comedies and find someone else.
On the other hand, if I am wrong, please find an unequivocally clear way to let me know, because my own feelings about you should be clear as crystal to you by now. That’s my one hope–that perhaps we may actually be soulmates, destined, at some point, to finally meet.
Maybe it isn’t really you. Maybe I am so crazy after all that this is some bad dream and I am making my memories and ‘moments’ with you available to nothing more than a bunch of horny perverts. That would be bitter and cruel irony. Either way, if you read this, or if you don’t, I hope this explains everything in way that helps you understand.
And yes, I think I love you.
But I am prepared to walk away. Because I love you. I am pretty sure that I dreamed you into life. And I will always love you.