General Buzz, Miscellany, Uncategorized

Patterns

I don’t know anymore if I think it was a scheme by a bunch of Mean Girls, or revenge plot by someone I offended somwhere in my past, or dumb luck, or something that started out as a bar bet between a bunch of douchebags to try and drive me insane. I really don’t know anymore.

Whoever it is, they may have succeeded.

For some time I’ve had this feeling that I’m a metaphorical fly caught in a spider’s web. Eyeing me warily from a distance and waiting to inject its lethal venom.

Someone watches. My videos. Of her, the girl of my dreams. And the others, too. In order to hurt. With nothing but the cruel and malevolent intent to cut out my heart and rip it into a billion pieces. Maybe they bet. On tennis matches. Maybe they scour the Internet looking for video of her past opponents because they think it will help them analyze a current match or something. Or maybe they are simply sex perverts looking to beat off to a pretty girl.

I am pretty sure it is one or the other, or someone intentionally playing a cruel joke on me, though, because the videos of her, the ones I have made for her, what came from my heart, meant to tell her how I feel about her, are always watched when her friends are playing, when her former opponents and “favs” are playing, when her BFF is playing. It hardly seems possible, but I checked and it’s true. Once is chance. Two or three times a coincidence. Five or six years of it on a daily basis is a habit.

So why does it happen? If you were a tennis bettor, you wouldn’t need to watch my videos of her to analyze anything being played lately because she hasn’t played in two years and her results aren’t currently relevant and you find more current video of her elsewhere anyway. You wouldn’t need to watch my videos of her to watch other tennis players on YouTube (i.e., videos of other players) PERIOD because there are thousands of videos of tennis players on YouTube that don’t need to be searched or found by bookmarking or looking for my videos of her. Yet, why are my videos of her always viewed when her friends and past opponents are playing matches, and often at the same time videos of those players are watched? From the same “places” or Internet proxies. It begs the question, “why?” Why watch them at all? What are you getting out of it?

I know now that whatever dreams I had of winning her heart are gone. She will never see the things I have written, watch the videos I have made, even as the Don Quixote in me holds out for the most foolest kernel of hope. That’s because I’m sure that celebrities such as her must think admirers like me to be pathetic dweebs at best or crazy lunatics at worst. My dreams will die here, along with me and my broken heart, doomed to remain where no one but a few disgusting perverts will find them. That breaks my heart too, for she deserves better.

I wish it were possible for someone like me to meet a girl like her but for me that is an impossible dream. One that makes my heart want to die a little more each day.

Being reminded of that for no good reason by whoever you are is cruel. All I wanted to do was send a message to her, the girl of my dreams. Tell her I thought she was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in my life. Tell her I fell in love with her the second I first saw her. Maybe she’d think that was dumb, or stupid, but in any event being able to say it to the most special person I could think of would have been the greatest accomplishment of my life and these things weren’t yours to see. The only person who should be watching the things I made or wrote for her is her. You can find videos to watch somwhere else. You don’t have to hurt me doing whatever it is you’re doing.

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