Miscellany, Uncategorized

How Would You Feel?

How would you feel if the girl of your dreams, the object of your desires, was secretly ridiculing you and making fun of you, with her friends, right from the start, all along?

I confess, I got no sleep last night trying to dissect what kind of person she must be to do that to someone whose intentions were right? Someone with a good and kind heart? Someone sensitive who hoped that someday her dreams would come true, too.

Why would she waste so much time and so many years intentionally hurting someone who only wanted to care about her?

I hope no one ever does that to her, because it is truly cruel to be the recipient of such pain and heartache.


And then it occurred to me that I may have gotten it wrong. Maybe. Sometimes I can do that.

For none of that really makes any sense unless you assume she is some kind of monster. The things I have written, the videos I have made for her, are beautiful. I am sure that, somewhere, her girlfriends must ask her in wonderment, ‘who IS that, who would do something like for you?’

I know that somebody watches. I am sure of that. I am also pretty sure it’s her. I mean you, because I think you are the only one who reads and watches. What I’m not and have never been sure about is why. But somebody, somebody out there, seems to have an uncanny knack for knowing just what I am up to and just whose picture I’m liking on Instagram at any moment, like I am being watched. You know, Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You. Someone who clearly seems bothered, or at least preoccupied with the fact that I liked D__H’s photo, or J__A’s, or T__M’s, or V__S’s or J__G__o’s or A__L_m’s or S__R__x’s or….shall I continue?

Do you really think all that is about them, or about you? Think carefully before you answer. I know you read most everything here. Can you ballpark the number of things I’ve written about you? Collectively, how many are about anyone else? Like…three maybe?? Do you think those things I have written about you are “BS”? Do you think I have so much time on my hands that I would write pages and pages of the most heartfelt words I could express to you, just to keep from being bored? That is silly.

Yeah. Metaphorically, I am that little brat in the video your sarcastic friend tagged to you. I know about that like you know about all of my little Instagram ‘girlfriends’. I am trying to get your attention because of my big ‘ol fat crush on you. There. I said it. Wrote it. The cat’s out of the bag now. Go ahead and laugh at me if you want. You probably already have.

Instead of skulking around it, have you ever asked yourself or your friends what the psychology might be behind the ‘likes’ on Instagram? Maybe it’s because I like you and I am trying to get your attention. This is an awfully big matzoh ball I am putting out here but if you ARE her, I am pretty sure it has gotten your attention. For what reason, exactly, I don’t know, but maybe we are both reacting out of hurt or fear of being hurt. I only did what I did because I thought you and your friends were making fun or teasing me or because you hated me because of my crush on you. Maybe you do. I’m just trying to explain because I like you. And I thought, even if you didn’t feel the same, at least we might be friends. But I really like yOu and I don’t want to offend you or be hurt anymore. What I made for you was heartfelt and personal and private, seeing it searched with search terms like ‘hot’ or ‘sexy’, even if it IS you or your friends, or for marketing, or whatever, it hurts. It hurts.


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